[tw: rape, sexual assault]
and just a general warning that this is not a universal guide with every survivor falling neatly into the patterns outlined below. survivors—and all people—deserve the courtesy of being treated as individuals with distinct needs and concerns; please do not read the following and assume you no longer need to engage in honest, open conversation with your sexual partner(s).
- don’t expect it of us. like, this is a given, absolutely, but between partners with varying experiences and sex drives… this has been a constant struggle for me in relationships. every person i’ve been in a relationship with could never fully reconcile that sex and a relationship were not inherently tied. our relationship did not give them a pass to intimacy. my lack of desire for intimacy for stretches of time would, to them, signify a failed relationship. that impression on their part in turn made me feel like a failure. that fucks up relationships. that fucked me up. whether or not you are a survivor, sex should never be expected of you. ever. and someone who believes they deserve that from you under any circumstances is a piece of shit.
- on that note, don’t plan sex. partners of mine have often tried to be seductive in saying things like, “i can’t wait to do this to you later tonight…” but, to me, that simply meant that it became an obligation for me. that made sex an obligation. and, therefore, it made sex undesirable. i would feel this pressure to perform for them rather than to engage in sex for my own pleasure and it became this thing where i would attempt to start for them but i could never fully commit because i felt pressured. not to say this is what my partner was intending. at all. but it affected me negatively.
- don’t make our kinks about our sexual trauma. yeah, me, personally? i really like being choked. a lot. but don’t ruin the pleasure of that by tying it into my trauma. is it your place to figure out the source of my kinks or is it your role as my partner to realize pleasure with me? we both know the answer to that. don’t “figure out” how your partner has been affected by their sexual trauma. what does your curiosity have to gain except for the make your partner feel dissected? partners have done that to me, and all it did was make me feel like personality was compartmentalized into pre- and post-rape.
- validate us outside of our sex life. i have long felt that my worth is perceived by others as purely sexual, and this was horribly exacerbated by my assault. while i love feeling desired by my partners, if that is heavily emphasized over the other aspects of our relationship, i will withdraw. i will resent them for seeing my purely in that light, and i will often be triggered. even when having casual sex, or sex in any capacity without a committed relationship, respect is key. making me feel like a whole, full human rather than only your sex partner is vital to my comfort and feeling of safety.
- use a safe word. it can be as simple as “wait.” it doesn’t matter what the word is. its function is purely to remind us that we hold power over our sexual interactions and it will always stop if we want or need it to. when i begin the spiral and feel like sex is becoming less mine and purely yours, having a word to center us and bring us back together and to affirm my own control makes a world of difference.
*i have received asks about this in the past, and felt it made sense to share a general post to address some issues i have answered asks on. this does not mean that my issues are the issues of all survivors, or that non-survivors can’t share these issues with me. these are things that i have experienced and i have come to this understanding of them.
p.s. this is a really great post. thank you for writing this.
Reading this and being able to relate holds a lot in my head and makes me not feel alone as I always have. Sometimes we all just need to be able to read something involving others who have been through similar circumstances and realize that our outcomes differ but also can be included together if we feel the same in ways and it’s important to be reassured that we are not wrong for how we feel and react to situations. Seriously, thank you so much for sharing this.
Always good to know and share. These ring true for me and I’m sure many others.
Demonstration on how a lot of girls probably achieve the beloved “thigh gap”.
Push your hips back, knees slightly apart. Taday, you have now given hundreds of girls a delusional hatred for their body amd made them think something is seriously wrong with them just because their thighs touch.
Everyone signal boost the fuck out of this ok
Anterior pelvic tilt strikes again.
Beautiful Fan Art of the Day:
Might have reblogged these before. Don’t care.
Donald Glover talking about the comments he received during his campaign to be the next Spider-Man (x)
“I was talking about it with Dan Eckman, who directed my Bonfire video. Can you imagine that trailer? That would be dope. Like it makes sense… a poor black kid in Queens. Like it just fits.”
(Source: halemcjoel, via kateordie)
Note how the most important facet of this story is not how she swam out and physically saved two people from drowning in a riptide at the risk of her own life, but that during the course of heroic physical activity in an outfit not designed for it, a tit slipped out.
Really? A nipple? A nipple made an appearance when she was dragging her son and a woman twice her size out of strong currents?
WELL HOLY SHIT, STOP THE MOTHER FUCKING PRESS
GROW THE FUCK UP PEOPLE NOT EVERYTHING WITH A NIPPLE IS PORN - an old facebook status of mine that i feel is relevant.
TIL that Heidi Klum is a fucking BAMF
I didn’t really anticipate that I was going to write about this today but enough people are talking about it that it’s time to break it down.
There are some pretty serious and disturbing gender connotations to the way DC Comics is approaching the 75th…
Lois Lane is one of my favs, and I don’t even like Superman that much.
The only editor on The Mary Sue.com who is familiar with Veronica Mars has Wednesdays off. And right now she’s threatening to hold her breath until I publish a post telling you all that the folks behind Veronica Mars, including a large portion of the main cast and the series creator, have started a Kickstarter to get the movie made. And that if they can raise $2 million, Warner Bros. has agreed to market and distribute the movie that they’ll film this summer.
shoutout to those gamers that tried to be a bad person in an rpg but can’t because you’re too nice of a person
IT’S REALLY HARD
full study/graphic here.
I love this…except I want to bra-evangelize about how a women with a 24—inch waist is not going to have a 34-inch ribcage!